Analysing the sexual lives of single women participating in my study, in this section, I identify common themes that emerged from my analysis. These include how the women engaged with, and sometimes disrupt, stereotypes about single women’s sexualities, and how they navigate the religious and cultural moral expectations, demonstrating sexual autonomy and the fact that they are desiring subjects.
‘Kundonga woga unonzi hure’/If you are single, people call you a whore: Stereotypes about single women’s sexuality
Single women face deep stigma, and negative stereotypes about their sexuality abound. They are often labelled whores or mahure in Shona. While mahure literally refers to commercial sex workers, this term is used broadly and loosely to stigmatise women perceived as deviating from moral sexual or social norms, including single women, many of whom may not lead necessarily promiscuous lives. As a 43-year-old divorcee concluded, singleness is often equated with whoredom: ‘Kundonga wega unonzi hure’ (If you are single, you are called a whore). Some of the women I interviewed explained how the term ‘whore’ had been used in different contexts to describe them. One widow narrated that, as soon as she was widowed, her sister’s husband ‘akamurambidza kutaura neni, because aiti ndave hure risina murume’ (forbid her from talking to me because he said I had become ‘a whore without husband’) (48 years old, widowed at 35). Another widow, meanwhile, described how some of her neighbours policed her and implicitly treated her like a whore. She recounted that they would speculate that:
Unazvo zvikomba zvake, hatingozvioni chete. Ukangofamba, ukaita nguva usina kudzoka pamba zvonzi wanga uri kuzvikomba. Imwe nguva kutonzi mahure ekuBaptist akavandira, ukaita zvevarume vacho pachena yave mhosva, zvonzi vanoita chihure mwana achiona
(She definitely has boyfriends; it is just that we haven’t seen them. ‘If I went away somewhere and took a long time to return home, they would say ‘you had gone to your boyfriends’. Once they even said, ‘these Baptist women are devious’. However, if you date openly, it is considered wrong and they claim, ‘she behaves like a whore in the presence of her child)—47 years old, widowed at 31.
What stands out in these accounts is how the label hure (whore) is used, regardless of a woman’s actual sexual behaviour. The promiscuous stereotype therefore works independently of reality and fact, and across all the sub-groups of singleness identified earlier, suggesting that stigma is steeped more in anxieties about female autonomy than in what the women do. The stigmatisation of widows dating openly in front of their children is especially telling, as it is framed as transgressing moral expectations tied to motherhood and womanhood. This also probably linked to the point, made earlier, that marriage for widows is seen as continuing symbolically after a husband’s death. The same expectations of moral uprightness, however, influence how some single women negotiate their sexuality. One 45-year-old divorcee, whose eldest child was married and had a child, reflected on the idea of remarrying: ‘Ndave nemuzukuru. Zvichabuda here kuti zvigonzi mbuya vakaenda kunoroorwa?’ (I am now a grandmother. Would it be appropriate for it to be said that grandma has gone to get married?). In Shona culture, the role of a grandmother carries with it a moral authority and the dignity associated with age and aging. This cultural belief that associates respect with age and ageing, making the very notion of remarriage inappropriate for this 45-year-old participant, even though she is not the age that would typically be defined as old.
While the term whore (hure) is used loosely to refer to single women, as shown in the examples above, several of the single women I interviewed offered a more nuanced sense of whoredom, associating it more directly and broadly with sex work and promiscuous behaviour, as the following examples suggest:
I am sexually active: I date, but handisi munhu anomhanya
(I am not promiscuous)—Never-married woman born in 1966;
Handiiti maboyfriend akawanda. Handipindi mubhawa
(I do not have many boyfriends. I do not go to the bar)—36-year-old divorcee.
The women cited here navigate stigma by strategically distancing themselves from the social and sexual identities often associated with the whore label, such as frequenting bars (which, in Shona, implies sex work or dating many partners). The bar (kubhawa) is a space culturally and religiously coded as morally corrupt.
In addition to the whore stereotype, the dominant narrative also frames single women as ‘small houses’, a slang term for women who date married men. Liv Haram (
2004: 223) explores a comparable dynamic in Tanzania, where for some single mothers, the role of a
nyumba ndogo (literally, ‘small house’)—a woman with a visiting partner—is a relatively empowering arrangement. Haram suggests that the role of
nyumba ndogo enables a degree of social independence while preserving a form of communal respectability. However, in the Shona context, women labelled as ‘small houses’ are often vilified, for their perceived role in breaking up marriages. This label carries strong moral condemnation, with such women frequently cast as ‘husband snatchers’ or ‘homewreckers’.
A 40-year-old divorcee shared her discomfort with dating married men, noting that single women are often labelled as ‘whores’ or ‘husband snatchers’. In her words: ‘But this is all because vamwe vedu vane zvavanoitawo zvinoita kuti masingles afungirwe’ (some of us behave in ways that make people suspicious of singles). While this reflects a commonly held belief that stereotypes carry a kernel of truth, it is crucial to unpack the gendered dynamics that sustain and reinforce these stereotypes. These labels—often projected by married women—frame single women as threats, diverting attention from the behaviour of unfaithful men. As one 61-year-old married man remarked, ‘madzimai ndivo vanoita dambudziko nevanhu vasina kuroorwa’ (married women are the ones who have problems with single women). Echoing this sentiment, a 38-year-old divorcee stated ‘Vari married havadi kutiona. Vanotyira varume vavo’ (Married women feel uneasy around us. They are afraid for their husbands [read: they are afraid we might snatch their husbands]. These perspectives reveal how societal expectations and fears around women’s sexuality are unevenly distributed, often placing blame on single women, while excusing or overlooking male responsibility.
Although other women contribute to perpetuating negative perceptions about single women in Shona communities, men—particularly those who regard unmarried women as sexually available, reducing them to objects of desire—also play a significant role. This perception is clearly reflected in anecdotes shared by single women during my study. A 42-year-old never-married woman, for instance, remarked: ‘Men, especially married men, think that every single woman is desperate for sex.’ She went on to describe how some taxi drivers near her vending stall regularly proposition her for casual sex. Similarly, a 43-year-old divorcee shared that ‘there are loose men at my workplace vanongofunga kuti vanogona kutorara mubedroom nasingle mother’ (who think that they can sleep [have sex] with a single mother). Echoing this, another divorced single mother noted: ‘Kana usina murume kudai, munhu wose ari muraini anenge achida kurara newe (if you are unmarried like me, every man in the village wants to sleep with you). A never-married 42-year-old added: ‘Men—married men, to be precise—often suggest I become a second wife or a so-called ‘small house.’
These narratives highlight broader gendered concerns on how singleness and sexuality intersect, accounting for the narrow and demeaning identities attributed to single women. As I discuss in the sections that follow, however, these dominant narratives—co-produced by both men and married women and possibly carrying a kernel of truth—are not passively accepted by single women themselves, who actively challenge and subvert them through their daily sexual practices and choices.
Single women as desiring subjects
In contemporary Shona communities, religious doctrine and cultural tradition intersect to regulate female sexuality. This section explores how single women negotiate these moral landscapes. The narratives that I explore suggest the ways in which some women internalise dominant norms of chastity and self-restraint, while others resist them in pursuit of sexual autonomy and pleasure. Through their voices, we can discern how desire, discipline, and dissent co-exist in complex ways.
In some Christian denominations and in Shona culture, girls and unmarried women are taught about kudzikama (to be self-controlled). One 75-year-old widow powerfully illustrated the internalisation of the kudzikama doctrine within the religious context, explaining that:
Tinodzidziswa kuti panorairwa apa, nezita rajesu kuti dzikama. Panotukwa apa kuti usafunga zvevarume
(We are taught that this [pointing to her vaginal area] is to be scolded [and told] ‘in Jesus’ name, behave yourself’. It must be scolded so that it does not think about men)
The act of scolding the vagina—invoking the authority of Jesus—offers a striking example of how religious teachings become deeply embedded in the body. The act especially evokes Michel Foucault’s (
1988: 18) concept of ‘technologies of the self’ which, in this case, take the form of religious practices deployed in the participant’s discipling of her body. Here moral regulation shapes not only behaviour but the very language and logic through which self-control is conceptualised and expressed. The body itself is made a site of self-discipline.
Kudzikama (being self-controlled), is also a central message in the socialisation of girls within Shona culture. This moral ideal is primarily instilled through
kuraira, an intergenerational practice where older women counsel younger girls on matters of sexuality and appropriate social behaviour. Within both cultural and church contexts, girls and unmarried women are taught to embody a passionless ideal, one that reflects a broader model of self-restraint. As Signe Arnfred (
2004: 62) observes, this ideal is rooted in notions of discipline and self-control. Arnfred (
2015: 152) further argues that ‘such restraint—particularly the suppression and concealment of female desire—ultimately serves to reinforce patriarchal power structures’. Echoing this, Bibi Bakare-Yusuf (
2003: 35) notes that acknowledging female sexual pleasure and desire challenges male dominance by undermining the presumed supremacy of male desire, authority, and control.
Some of my participants—particularly widows, irrespective of their ages—narrated how they strove to heed both the traditional and Christian calls to discipline their desires. A significant number described their commitment to kudzikama (being self-controlled). The following two examples illustrate this.
A 74-year-old widow whose husband died when she was 34, recalled:
Ndakanamata kuna Mwari kuti wakatora mudikani wangu. Chindibvisa chinoda varume. Ndakabva ndagara hangu
(I prayed, God, you have taken the one I loved. Remove my desire for men. I then lived a celibate life)
A 65-year-old participant, widowed at nearly 50, said:
handina kuzombofunga murume. Ndaiti ndikaona murume ndoita sendaona mumwe mukadzi
(I never thought about [read: having sex with] a man. Each time I saw a man, it was like seeing another woman)
Both women’s narratives reflect varying degrees of internalised religio-socio-heteropatriarchy. The first frames celibacy in spiritual terms and as a personal vow, where divine assistance is sought to suppress desire. The second articulates celibacy through a heteronormative lens, where the erasure of sexual difference—seeing men as indistinct from women—serves as evidence of the woman’s lack of sexual desire.
By contrast, most single women in my study tended to disregard societal and religious expectations that they supress their sexual desires. They spoke about their inability—or refusal—to deny what their bodies yearned for. Some divorcees and widows who chose not to remarry, for instance, still engaged in sexual relationships. This was implied in statements such as ‘handifungi zvekuroorwa asi shamwari ndinayo’ (I am not thinking of getting married, but I do have a ‘friend’) and ‘zvekuti ndigadzikwe mukitchen hayi. Ndine shamwari yekufambidzana nayo’ (I have no desire at all to be placed in a kitchen [that is, be married]. I have a friend for companionship). Such narratives illustrate a refusal to comply with heteropatriarchal marriage normativity and the broader societal expectation that women rein in their sexual desires. This resistance—consciously feminist or not—asserts the women’s right to sexual freedom and pleasure, challenging the structures that seek to control their desires.
Not all romantic relationships involving single women are transactional ones, where women are paid for sex, which Beverly Haddad (
2025: 354) describes as ‘survival sex for basic necessities’ or ‘commodified sex for the instant gratification of the desire for luxury goods and opulent lifestyles’. Some relationships are pursued purely for sexual pleasure. Some of the women I interviewed indicated that they engaged in sex because they derived enjoyment from it. They described being in a romantic relationship and having sex for reasons they characterise as
kungofara (mere enjoyment),
kufadza nyama (carnal or bodily pleasure), or
kutamba (for play or fun). This is aptly illustrated in the statement of a 55-year-old divorcee, who emphasised that the role of her boyfriend was to satisfy her sexual needs: ‘
Kungoita chibabamukuru 6 chekuti nyama dzifare chete’ (I have a boyfriend to give me sexual pleasure). The meanings of these Shona terms—
kungofara, kufadza nyama, kutamba—resonate with what Arnfred (
2004: 59) describes as ‘pleasure and enjoyment, or desire—
which in this case, is female desire’. The women actively seek pleasure in a social context where both Christian doctrine and Shona traditional cultural expectations dictate that women outside of marriage should control their sexual desires—or, if unable to do so—seek legitimisation through marriage.
Many of the single women I interviewed indicated that they were sexually active and found sex pleasurable, framing this not as deviance, but a natural expression of their humanity. One interviewee, a 38-year-old divorcee, explained, ‘Munhu haangagoni kurarama ari oga’ (A human being cannot live ‘alone’ [read: without a sexual partner]). Similarly, another 44-year-old widow, whose husband had died when she was 29, shared that, although she had no intention of remarrying, she was in a romantic relationship, stating, ‘semunhu, ndine wandiri kuonana naye’, which means ‘since I am only human, I am romantically involved with someone’. These statements reflect not only a recognition of sexual desire as natural, but also speak to the broader context in which womanhood and personhood are tied to relational identity. This framing of sexual desire as natural ties in neatly with the phrase ‘it [vagina] does not feed on porridge’ discussed earlier. Within such a framework, the pursuit of sexual pleasure emerges as both a personal choice and a subtle assertion of social legitimacy by living as fully human subjects beyond the bounds of conventional marital norms.
Many of the single women I interviewed engaged in sex outside of marriage, an act traditionally viewed as sinful within Christian doctrine. However, some of these women were unapologetic in their decisions, asserting that they would rather sin and ask for forgiveness than forgo sex altogether. As one Catholic divorcee put it:
Ukarara nemurume upombwe, unonoreurura, but since Mwari tsitsi dzake dzisingaperi, unongonoreurura
(If you have sex with a man outside marriage, that is fornication, but since God’s mercy is endless, you can always seek His forgiveness)
The invocation of divine mercy suggests a reinterpretation of moral authority: if God’s compassion is boundless, then rigid sexual norms may lose their absolute authority, making space for alternative sexual choices without the fear of eternal condemnation. Although the women maintain the norm of sex outside marriage as sin, they profit from the traditional Christian notion of divine forgiveness.
Still on the contentious issue of intimacy, some participants who were divorcees spoke candidly about how their (ex)husbands starved them of not just sex, but also pleasurable, fulfilling sexual experiences, thereby asserting their own (sexual) desires and implicitly calling into question the supremacy of male desire and power. By way of example, a 34-year-old woman divorced twice described her second ex-husband in the following stark terms:
Munhu aingovhura makumbo ako oita zvake. Ukamuudza kuti hapana chandiri kunzwa haateereri. Ukamuudza zvinokuitira wonzwa zvonzi wakazviwanepi
(He would just open my legs and do what he wanted. If I told him that I did not feel anything [I was not satisfied], he would not listen. If I told him what satisfied me, he would ask me where I learned that from)
This woman knew what gave her pleasure and expressed her sexual needs, exercising agency that challenged gendered sexual norms. Her husband’s response—questioning the source of her knowledge—reveals how patriarchal norms condition women to remain silent and sexually ignorant. Women who demonstrate sexual awareness often risk being labelled promiscuous. This is a clear example of how, as Patricia McFadden (
2021: 289) writes, patriarchy seeks to supress women’s ‘creativity, imaginations, and sensibilities of freedom and pleasure’.
While some participants endured bad sex, others were denied it entirely. One divorcee recalled how her husband disappeared from their home for over six years, prompting her to seek a relationship elsewhere. By the time we spoke, she had left her matrimonial home and was living with a new partner. Married women who seek relationships in the absence of their husbands challenge the Shona traditional expectations that women should wait patiently for their return. For several women, particularly divorcees, their journey into singlehood can be traced to a pattern of being denied sexual fulfilment and the space to express freely their sexual desires.
To conclude this section, I draw on a revealing statement from one of the men in my focus group discussions. This participant’s comment highlights how some men deploy entrenched beliefs that women exist principally to satisfy male desire. Reflecting on why some husbands engage in extramarital affairs, the participant in question blamed women, suggesting it was their responsibility to be sexually available in order to preserve their marriages:
Chinopa kuti murume aite magirlfriends dzimwe nguva mabatirwo aanoitwa mumba nemudzimai. … vakadzi vanowanza maexcuses … yet mugodhi, … just serve him
(What pushes a married man to have extramarital affairs sometimes is the way he is treated at home by his wife. … wives make so many excuses … Yet it [a woman’s vagina] is a mine shaft … [the woman should] just serve him) – Focus group 4, 22 March 2024.
The image of a woman’s vagina/body as ‘just a mine shaft’ to be accessed on demand exemplifies a deeply misogynistic view that reduces women to sexual vessels, denying them agency or subjectivity. This narrative is challenged by the voices of women in my study—especially those who have left unsatisfying marriages or chosen to remain unmarried—who speak candidly about their sexual desires, needs, and pursuit of pleasure. In doing so, they disrupt the passive and objectified image of women as mere providers of sexual service. Instead, they assert themselves as active, desiring subjects even in the face of religious and cultural taboos. This shift not only contests the dominant gendered script but also reclaims women’s sexual agency within and beyond the bounds of marriage.